WHO CARES ????

English: The Forgetful Professor
English: The Forgetful Professor (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world,
I rapidly realized that I don’t really give a rat’s hiney. It’s the tortoise life for me!
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1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4.. A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don’t think so.
I’m retired. Go around me.
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GOD grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
*****
Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:
*****
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days, you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
15. When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?
16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter … I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m hereafter.
19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE……….??????

Pit bull puppy

Pit bull puppy

Pit bull puppy survives being dragged behind truck for a mile

They named him “Trooper” for his determination, but the 5-month-old pit bull that survived being dragged by a truck down a Missouri highway for more than a mile is more like a miracle. Two weeks after surgery to close wounds that exposed bones, Trooper is eating and drinking normally and walking on his own, and Humane Society of Missouri personnel are cautiously optimistic that a badly injured leg may be saved. The trucker, unaware that the puppy had been tethered to his bumper, was obviously distraught once he was flagged down, and now a $5,000 reward has been offered for information that would lead to an arrest. [Source]

Damn, this is a great country!

Damn, this is a great country

This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare.

At first the lady said, “Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.” So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English and have no clue who their Daddy’s are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My dogs get their first checks on Friday.

Damn, this is a great country!

 

This orphaned baby bat

 is the cutest thing you’ll see all day

 

If you’re eating pancakes right now, don’t even bother pouring on the syrup. This is the sweetest thing you’ll see all day, nay, all week. This is the tale of Lil’ Drac, an orphaned short-tailed fruit bat who was raised by the folks at Bat World Sanctuary. Here’s his biography:

 

His mother was yet another casualty from zoo closures which are occurring across the US. She is a young mother who was stressed from the conditions in which she was kept, combined with the additional trauma of being captured and transferred to a new and unfamiliar environment. Consequently, she abandoned Lil’ Drac after he was born. He was found on the padded floor of the indoor flight enclosure at Bat World Sanctuary, curled up in a little ball.

 

Grounds for Murder??

Classic Pontiac LeMans owner arrives at Car Show early in order to get the best display spot.

 

Then, the next classic car, a ’40 Ford shows up and grabs the second stall…

Next, This Idiot woman plows through !!!

 She was busy Texting and didn’t notice the nice cars on the other side of the curb she was about to jump – never touched the brake and stayed on the throttle even after impact.

 

Frogs for GRANDPAS

(Grandma said so)

 

OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her

Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts

into her Grandpa’s room …”Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly, “As

soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”

“What?” said her Grandpa.

“Make a noise like a frog – because Grandma said that as soon as you

croak, we’re all going to Disneyland !!!

 

 

 

Mother bear kills cub and then itself

The Chinese media has reported on an extraordinary account of a mother bear saving her cub from a life of torture by strangling it and then killing itself.

The bears were kept in a farm located in a remote area in the North-West of China. The bears on the farm had their gall bladders milked daily for ‘bear bile,’ which is used as a remedy in Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM).

It was reported that the bears are kept in tiny cages known as ‘crush cages’, as the bears have no room to manoeuvre and are literally crushed.

The bile is harvested by making a permanent hole or fistula in the bears’ abdomen and gall bladder.

As the hole is never closed, the animals are suspect to various infections and diseases including tumours, cancers and death from peritonitis.

The bears are fitted with an iron vest, as they often try to kill themselves by hitting their stomach as they are unable to bear the pain.

A person who was on the farm in place of a friend witnessed the procedures and told Reminbao.com that they were inhumane.

The witness also claimed that a mother bear broke out its cage when it heard its cub howl in fear before a worker punctured its stomach to milk the bile.

The workers ran away in fear when they saw the mother bear rushing to its cub’s side.

Unable to free the cub from its restraints, the mother hugged the cub and eventually strangled it.

It then dropped the cub and ran head-first into a wall, killing itself.

Many TCM practitioners have denounced the use of bear bile in their treatment as there are cheaper herbs and synthetics that can be used in its place.

Bear bile is traditionally used to remove ‘heat’ from the body as well as treat high fever, liver ailments and sore eyes.

MORE on this story & Pictures can be found     HERE

Materialistic Lawyer

Lexus GS 300
Image via Wikipedia
A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver’s door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most import ant things in life.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!”

“OH, MY GOD!!!” screamed the lawyer.

(keep reading)

“My Rolex !!!!”

The World’s Most Outrageous Yachts

Now this is JUST  – ONE – that was shown of 12….

Octopus - One of Twelve Yachts

Octopus

 

Microsoft-cofounder Paul Allen’s 414-foot, blue-and-white megayacht, built for $200 million (and with an estimated annual operating budget of $20 million), is seriously tricked out. The behemoth is equipped with a recording studio, jet-ski dock, full-size basketball court, seven boats, a 63-foot tender, room for a crew of 60, two helipads (each with its own helicopter), and two submarines—one remote-control operated for studying the ocean’s floor, the other with the capacity to sleep eight guests and spend up to two weeks underwater.

(Photo: Kevin Perkins/Newscom)

 

 Find more … [ here http://onforb.es/qo8kXF  ] Forbes

 

2 DUCK HUNTERS IN WISCONSIN

 

Whether this is a TRUE story or not (as in according to Snopes) ! I don’t care …. the ‘story’ is funny and gives me a laugh that I received in a e-mail.  As they say ….LAUGHTER is the best medicine!

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2 DUCK HUNTERS IN WISCONSIN
 
ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 with monthly payments of $560.00. He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin . It’s mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go
out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.
 
Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.
 
Our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.
 
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG…? Let’s talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.
 
The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps
coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.
 
The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane.
 
The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.
 
The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog’s rear end; he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.
 
Then KA BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
 
The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with ‘I can’t believe this just happened’ looks on their faces.
 
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make
the first of those $560.00 a month payments.
 
The dog is okay….doing fine.
 
And you thought all Rednecks lived in the South…….