Hang in There!

Rope
Rope (Photo credit: lovestruck.)

11 PEOPLE … ON A ROPE

11 PEOPLE … ON A ROPE Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, Because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren’t able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . … . . .

 

Plugged – Un-Plugged

UnPlugged

 

Bread tags make the

perfect-sized cord labels.

Find more Ideas Here

 I just love this idea!

 

Idea – Good – Just in Time!

Use egg cartons to separate and store your

Christmas decorations.

Find Unique Things Here

SENIOR BANKING

 

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, but when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

# 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember: Don’t make old People mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off.

 

This is the BEST LAWYER INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR

Cigar box with cigar cases
Image via Wikipedia

(You are invited to judge by yourself, however!).

This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina .

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.  Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.  In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.”

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable “fire” and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART . . .

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!  With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year’s Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

 

Bill Cosby Has Done It Again

There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty: soap, ballot, jury, and ammo.
Please use in that order.
Bill Cosby has a great way of “distilling” things. 
Looks like he’s done it again!
   

AMERICA NEEDS A CANDIDATE WITH THIS PLATFORM!!

 

I  HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN THE YEAR 2012..        

  

 HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1). Any use of the phrase: ‘Press 1 for English  is immediately BANNED!!!.    English  is  the official language;  speak it or wait outside of our borders until you can.

(2). We will immediately go into a two
year isolationist  attitude in order to straighten out the greedy big business posture in this country. America will allow NO imports,  and we’ll do no exports.     We will use the ‘Wal-Mart ‘s policy, 
‘If  we
  ain’t got it, you don’t need it.’ We’ll make it here and sell it here!

(3). When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it coming in here.

(4). All retired military personnel will be required to man one of the many observation towers located on the southern border of the United States  (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not  to fire on  SOUTH BOUND  aliens.

(5). Social Security will immediately return to its original state.   If you didn’t put nuttin in, you AIN’T getting nuttin out.  Neither the President nor any other politician will be able to touch it.

(6). Welfare. — Checks will be handed out on Fridays, at the end of the 40hour school week, the successful completion of a urinalysis test for drugs, and passing grades.

(7). Professional Athletes — Steroids?  The FIRST time you check positive you’re banned from sports … for life!

(8). Crime — We will adopt the Turkish method,  i.e.,  the  first  time you steal,  you lose your right hand.  There is no more ‘life sentences’.  If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for the victim you killed: gun, knife, strangulation,  etc.

(9). One export of ours will be allowed: wheat; because the world needs to eat.  However, a bushel of wheat will be the EXACT price of a barrel of oil.


(10).  All foreign aid, using American taxpayer money, will immediately cease and the saved money will help to pay off the national debt and, ultimately, lower taxes.  When disasters occur around the world, we’ll ask The American People if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision as to whether, or not, it’s a worthy cause.

(11). The Pledge of Allegiance will  be said  EVERY day at school and  every day in CONGRESS.

(12). The National Anthem  will  be played at all appropriate ceremonies,  sporting events,  outings, etc.

My apology is offered if I’ve stepped on anyone’s toes …. nevertheless…..

GOD BLESS AMERICA !

Sincerely,  Bill Cosby 
  

  

  

  

  

 

Please forward this to everyone you know, no matter which side of the fence they’re on.   


When God takes something from your grasp, He’s not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.