Did I Read That Sign Right?

Need a laugh?? 
 
Love the teapot one, lol

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER…… PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer’s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

WOW!! Something SOLD!

I can’t believe this!

Something with MY art on it SOLD!

 LOOK

I’m so excited and can hardly believe it!

Maybe some more will sell….

Almost 8 years ago

0227111127
Not a stray anymore

 

My name is Charlie….

I was a stray – but almost eight years later this is still MY Home!

 

…Yes he did come as a stray and I love him dearly…

He showed up around the neighborhood after my ‘Sneakers’ died .. and shortly after finding three baby squirrels that had fallen out of their nest – raised them and got them on their merry way…

Charlie finds me … and I found that it was time once again to have a close friend near.  And what better timing as ‘friends’ disappear when you are sick and cannot work – due to among things having cancer….so Charlie is (ONE OF) my saving grace(s).

I’ll tell you more one day when I can find the pictures to fill in all the story.

The Animals in our life can uplift us when we are down.
Thank YOU Charlie.

Billion….

Interesting food for thought!  Lengthy, but worth the time to read it.  Have a great weekend.

$1,000,000,000
How many zeros in a billion?
This is too true to be funny.

The next time you hear a politician use the
Word ‘billion’ in a casual manner, think about
Whether you want the ‘politicians’ spending YOUR
tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
But one advertising agency did a good job of
Putting that figure into some perspective in
One of its releases.

A.  A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B.  A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C.  A billion hours ago our ancestors were Living in the Stone Age.
D.  A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E.  A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes,
      at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain…
let’s take a look at New Orleans  …
It’s amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D)
Is presently asking Congress for 250
BILLION DOLLARS To rebuild New Orleans .  Interesting number… What does it mean?

A.  Well .. If you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans
      (every man, woman, and child) You each get $516,528.
B.  Or… If you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans,
      your home gets $1,329,787..
C.  Or… If you are a family of four….Your family gets $2,066,012.

Washington, D. C   HELLO!
Are all your calculators broken??

Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax (Fed)
Federal Unemployment Tax  (FU TA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
(And to think, we left British Rule to avoid so many taxes)

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago…..
And our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt….
We had the largest middle class in the world…..
And Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened?  Can you spell:   ‘POLITICIANS!’

And I still have to Press ’1′ For English.

I hope this goes around the  U S A  At least 100 times

What happened???

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40

Potato cultivars
Image via Wikipedia

 

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.(I’m at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Go figure…

Go figure..

 

 
This year we will experience 4 unusual dates…. 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11. Now go figure this out….take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you WILL be THIS year and IT WILL EQUAL 111!

OLD TIMER SEX

 

This is too funny to be dirty – enjoy!

 
The husband leans over and asks his wife,’Do you remember the first time we had sex together over  fifty years ago?
We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.’ 

‘Yes’, she says, ‘I remember it well.’ 

‘OK,’ he says, ‘How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time‘s sake?’ 

‘Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!’ 

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. 

So he follows them. 

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..Finally,they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen..

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises     and moaning and screaming. Finally,they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed.He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,

the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,’Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?’

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,’Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.

Nagging Wife

 
 
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5000.
 
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, “why would you spend $5000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?”
 
The husband replied, “Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead.  I Just cannot take that chance!”
 

Bill Cosby Has Done It Again

There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty: soap, ballot, jury, and ammo.
Please use in that order.
Bill Cosby has a great way of “distilling” things. 
Looks like he’s done it again!
   

AMERICA NEEDS A CANDIDATE WITH THIS PLATFORM!!

 

I  HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN THE YEAR 2012..        

  

 HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1). Any use of the phrase: ‘Press 1 for English  is immediately BANNED!!!.    English  is  the official language;  speak it or wait outside of our borders until you can.

(2). We will immediately go into a two
year isolationist  attitude in order to straighten out the greedy big business posture in this country. America will allow NO imports,  and we’ll do no exports.     We will use the ‘Wal-Mart ‘s policy, 
‘If  we
  ain’t got it, you don’t need it.’ We’ll make it here and sell it here!

(3). When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it coming in here.

(4). All retired military personnel will be required to man one of the many observation towers located on the southern border of the United States  (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not  to fire on  SOUTH BOUND  aliens.

(5). Social Security will immediately return to its original state.   If you didn’t put nuttin in, you AIN’T getting nuttin out.  Neither the President nor any other politician will be able to touch it.

(6). Welfare. — Checks will be handed out on Fridays, at the end of the 40hour school week, the successful completion of a urinalysis test for drugs, and passing grades.

(7). Professional Athletes — Steroids?  The FIRST time you check positive you’re banned from sports … for life!

(8). Crime — We will adopt the Turkish method,  i.e.,  the  first  time you steal,  you lose your right hand.  There is no more ‘life sentences’.  If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for the victim you killed: gun, knife, strangulation,  etc.

(9). One export of ours will be allowed: wheat; because the world needs to eat.  However, a bushel of wheat will be the EXACT price of a barrel of oil.


(10).  All foreign aid, using American taxpayer money, will immediately cease and the saved money will help to pay off the national debt and, ultimately, lower taxes.  When disasters occur around the world, we’ll ask The American People if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision as to whether, or not, it’s a worthy cause.

(11). The Pledge of Allegiance will  be said  EVERY day at school and  every day in CONGRESS.

(12). The National Anthem  will  be played at all appropriate ceremonies,  sporting events,  outings, etc.

My apology is offered if I’ve stepped on anyone’s toes …. nevertheless…..

GOD BLESS AMERICA !

Sincerely,  Bill Cosby 
  

  

  

  

  

 

Please forward this to everyone you know, no matter which side of the fence they’re on.   


When God takes something from your grasp, He’s not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.
 

 

From the American Association Of Retired People

Questions and Answers from AARP Forum

 
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore,

under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through
Menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you’re handy

with tools,

you can finish the basement..

When you’re done you’ll

have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that
Menopause is mentioned in
The bible. Is that true?
Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:

“And Mary rode Joseph’s ass

All the way to Egypt ..”

Q: How can you increase the
Heart rate of your 60-plus
Year old husband?

A: Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that
Terrible curse of the elderly
Wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually

pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don’t forget

where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not

a problem,

Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in

the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: “Gosh, I remember these!”

SMILE, You’ve still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?

 

 

 

 

STOP SPAMMING!!!!!

All you SPAMMERS out there –

PLEASE LEAVE MY Site ALONE!!!

 

I GET SO LITTLE Traffiic I don’t need you here!

If you have nothing NI*CE to say – don’t!

 

I hate spammers – and would never do

it to anyone – so please leave ME alone!

I want TraFFic that is HONEST!

 

TODAY is my Birthday – so why not give me this GIFT!!!!!!!!