WORLD MATHEMATICS

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
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OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
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SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.
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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can

spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love

him a little

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to

understand her at all.
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LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a

lot more willing to die. 
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PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she

does.
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DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING

MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs

and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started

doing the same thing to them at funerals.

SUV Birthday Present……

 

Two old guys talking…
 
One said to the other: “My 69th birthday yesterday. Wife give me a

SUV.” 
  
Other guy: “Day-ammm! Ain’t dat’s sump’m! Imagine, a SUV! What a

great giff!” 
 
First guy: “Yup.    Socks, Underwear and Viagra!”

Lost in DC

Dear Abby,
My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge

credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off,

he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the

minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can

hardly keep up with the interest.

Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that

most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd

bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running

up our bills even more.

Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics

and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and

the week after that he’s with Muslims.

Finally, the last straw. He’s demanding that before anyone can be in

the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It’s just so

horribly creepy! Can you help?

Signed,
Lost in DC

Dear Lost,
Stop whining, Michelle. You can divorce the jerk any time you want.

The rest of us are stuck with this -ss-hole for two more years!